Sexual relationships and cancer

Changes to your body, feeling unwell and the stress of a cancer diagnosis can all have an impact on your romantic / sexual relationships.

• You may not feel like being intimate. It may take time before you feel ready for sex, emotionally and physically. 
• Your self-esteem and sexual confidence may be low because of changes to your body. 
• Pain, discomfort or changes to your body can make it physically difficult to have sex as you did before. Read more about physical side-effects. 
• If you are beginning a new relationship, you may be unsure about how your partner will react to your body or the fact you’ve had a cancer diagnosis. 
• You may be worried that your partner will make comparisons with the way things were before your diagnosis. 
• If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, you might lose interest in sex or find it harder to get aroused or maybe reach orgasm. We have advice to help you cope with anxiety and depression.

Be open about how you’re feeling

How you communicate with your partner can make a big difference. If you can share your feelings and find out how your partner is feeling, it can avoid misunderstandings and feelings of rejection.

For example, you may feel that your partner doesn’t find you attractive if they don’t seem interested in sex, but they may be worried about rushing you. Or your partner may feel rejected if they don’t understand why you don’t feel like having sex. 

If you are open and try to support one another it should make it easier to stay close and start having sex again if and when you’re ready.

Give yourself time

Give yourself and your partner time to adjust and get more comfortable with any changes to your body and work through any sadness or shock you may feel. There is no perfect time for starting to have sex again. Do it in your own time and at your own pace. Naturally, you will feel nervous or anxious about your first sexual experience after your diagnosis, but in time, things should get easier.

Adjust to physical changes

After cancer treatment, the way your body looks and feels can make sex different from before. For example, if you have a breast removed, your partner may miss feeling your breast and you may miss having it touched. Or orgasms may feel different. 

It may take a while for your confidence to return, but there are ways of building it up. You might feel more at ease if the lights are turned down or if you’re covered up rather than naked. Sex may feel less spontaneous for a while, but at least you may feel less anxious.

Look after yourself and your appearance

Changes to how your body looks, surgery scars, weight loss or gain, skin changes and hair loss can all affect your self-esteem and confidence. This can also have an impact on your sex life. 

Looking after your appearance may not feel like the most important thing if you are coping with a cancer diagnosis or suffering from difficult side-effects. But caring for yourself and your appearance can boost your confidence and self-esteem.

Take some exercise to keep in shape if you are able, wear clothes that make you feel good and take time to care for your skin, hair and, if you wear it, make-up.

Look Good Feel Better run workshops for people with cancer to help them look their best. 

Partners 

Your partner will need time to adjust to your diagnosis and treatment too. They may:

• Need some time to accept your illness 
• Be overprotective and fuss over you 
• Avoid mentioning or trying to have sex in case it upsets or hurts you 
• Find it difficult to accept your diagnosis 

If you partner is finding it hard to deal with your cancer diagnosis or the effects of treatment, it can be especially stressful for you as you may feel rejected.

Try talking to your partner and to explain your feelings. You might both be assuming how the other person is feeling and you might both have got it wrong! 

If you or your partner are struggling with your relationship, you should consider speaking to a professional, who can help you through this. 

New partners

At some point after your diagnosis you may begin a new relationship. You may be unsure about how and when to tell your partner about your cancer.

There is no right time to tell - it is really down to when you feel comfortable enough to talk about it. You may be happy to do this on a first date or much later on.

You may feel that you have to bring it up if there are visible signs of your illness, such as hair loss. But it is up to you how much information you give. You may just mention you have/had cancer and go into more detail at a later date.

You may be nervous about telling a new partner, so practising what you want to say or roleplaying the conversation with a friend might help.

Choose a time to talk when you are both relaxed and give them the chance to respond. Ask them how they feel about it.

Contraception

People undergoing cancer treatment are advised to avoid pregnancy during this time and for some time after, as some treatments can harm a developing baby or increase the risk of miscarriage.

Many specialists recommend that you wait for up to 2 years after treatment before trying to have a baby. This gives your body a chance to recover from the effects of the cancer and its treatment.

It is important that you still use effective contraception when sexually active to protect yourself from sexually transmitted infections and to avoid pregnancy during this time.

Speak to your medical team about the contraception options open to you.