Day 7 of this never ending nightmare

Hi Neadi
I'm sorry you have had this devastating news. I got similar news on the 17th of May of this year. To say my world turned upside down within a few minutes is an understatement. I found what I thought was only a "silly little lump" on Paddys night, little did I know what lay ahead. I am only 2 years younger than you (35)
Let me assure you that 7 days is not near long enough to even begin to get your head around what is happening to you. I remeber those early days I was so terrified and cried for hours and hours despite having the support of the most amazing mother, family and friends. They were dark times and I can feel exactly what you must be going through right now. I'm almost 5 months diagnoised now and coming to the end of my chemo and I still have days when I simply can't believe this is all happening to me. I just want to go back to my "old life" and weekends spent shopping and nights out The waiting on appointments and results is very difficult and believe me there will be lots of them but let me reassure you that no stone will be left unturned, you will be given every test possible so be assured your surgeon & oncologist will know exactly what there dealing with. I'm from Wexford and being treated in Waterford, where are you from?
I didn't even know what an oncologist was 5 months ago !! how quick you learn
You say that you are terrified that it has spread to other parts of your body and you ache all over. I'm the Queen of aches and worry about that. If I get a twinge anywhere in my body it sents my mind racing. I have spoken to my oncologist about this and she says it's perfectly normal to have these worries and with time they will fade.

I hope I have given you some reassurance that every single thing you are feeling right now is absolutely normal. This forum is really good because all the girls here have been/are going through the same thing. Keep in touch, I still log in here a couple of times a week when I'm feeling down about the whole thing,

Take care hunni, you WILL get through this,
Shirls

Hi shirls!
Thank you for replying. I am so sorry to hear that you're going through this, but you seem very strong. My husband family, in laws and friends have been so fantastic, but it's all so much to take in... I live in Wicklow and am attending st vincents in hospital. My oncologist has used the terms treatable and non life threatening, but still uses mastectomy and chemo and saying that's good news?? He says it's an early detection, but I have to take a year off work. Just everything seems fuzzy, blurry and what was my life is now lying under a big crater.... I try to be positive and have even been consoling others, but it's like watching a horror movie and it's not stopping.... Everyone says one step at a time, so hopefully things will start stepping soon....

Hi Neadi

I am from Wicklow too (Wicklow town) diagnosed in March of this year. Have been through chemo for the first time and surgery. About to have chemo round 2 and radiotherapy. Know exactly what you are feeling. Dealt badly with my own diagnosis but somehow it gets more bearable. If you are in Wicklow town could meet up and have a chat if you feel that would help. Dane.

Hi Neadi
I am so sorry to hear your news. I got the same news on the 8th of may. Devastating just about describes it. I know completely how you feel. I didn't tell anyone but my husband until I had all the tests done, which took about a month. It was absolutely the worst time of the whole thing so far, worse than the surgery and worse than chemo. What I'm trying to say is, now is the hardest time for you, it does get better. It's hard to believe right now.
I also stayed working until right up to surgery. I found my mind could switch over to work mode and keep me calm but when I went home I cried for ages. The night is the worst. My GP offered me sleeping tablets to get over the initial stage where you are now, I didn't take them but in retrospect I think I should have. I've taken one a few times since before scary days like start of chemo. I'm in the middle of chemo now and even that hasn't been as bad as I imagined.
Keep writing here. Everyone here understands. I honestly think nobody really understands what we are going through other than the girls here who have been there, done that.
Josephine

It's now officially day 8. Thank you all for replying. Dane, I live in baltinglass, but could try to meet in the middle somewhere if suited??
Yeah Josephine, nights are not great - hence the message at 5 am!! Mind you I was so knackered from phone calls and talking nonsense to people I conked out at 9 on the sofa. Seem to be able to sleep there, not in bed where my mind us imagining all sorts.... I will keep writing here, and thank you girls xxxxxx

Dear Neadi and Dane7

I am sorry to hear what a difficult time you are going through and it is wonderful to see the support you are giving each other. Perhaps this is an opportunity for us to remind you to be mindful regarding personal contact details and that there is the facility to ‘private message’ through the board.

Wishing you the very best

Cancer Information Services Nurse

Hi Neadi
I'm thinking back to early last year when crap hit the fan for me - I didn't see it coming, and was so shocked that[u:379611pq][i:379611pq][b:379611pq] I [/b:379611pq][/i:379611pq][/u:379611pq]was diagnosed with breast cancer. First came my health concerns; was I going to be ok, how would I get past it; what was I going to do about work; what was I going to tell people; how was I going to cope with my homelife and having to be treated.
And here I am, over a year and a half later; back to work, the children are big and bold, the husband is bigger and bolder and the house is still standing and I managed to get through it. Because I had to - my life couldn't stand still just because I had breast cancer.
So, take the time to take it all in; in a sense, it could be akin to bereavement and there are many stages of grief; shock, denial, anger, blame, loneliness until eventually you see hope and acceptance.
Hopefully, before you know it, it's all over.
And you will be here telling a newly diagnosed person that while it's all a terrible shock and it's a pain in the arse to have to go through it, it can be done and sometimes, while we might not like to declare it out aloud, it can bring good things too such as stronger friendships, a shift in priorities and tonnes of chocolate and brilliant coffee mornings!
Take care and I hope the next few weeks are good to you. If you can at all, try and get some complimentary therapies such as reflexology and reikki which I found to be tremendous. You might find that these are offered in a local cancer support centre, along with an ear to bend, a shoulder to cry on over a cup of tea.
And of course, there is nothing like a brisk walk in the fresh air to clear the cobwebs - it's free and it's good exercise.

Hi encee!
Thank you for replying!! I came out of school yesterday and there on the mat at home was the appointment for the bone scan.... Time for scary music to go off in my head again.... But you are right, although I'm crying buckets and I have this worry in the pit of my stomach, my mind is beginning to accept this (mind you I just can't get the fear of spread or it being somewhere else out of my mind). I just can't help feeling that life as I knew it is officially over- that the rest of my life is going to be doctors drips and hospitals.... That just bumms me out! That and the fact that I really don't know what's going on in my body. My poor husband is staying positive and strong, but we've only been married 3 years and he doesn't deserve to have to go through all of this too..... Ok rant over! I am determined to give it my best shot and blitz it into oblivion, if only I knew what the hell I had to blitz and how the hell it was going to be done... Thanks again to everyone for support! Xxxxxxx

Ah Neadi

At this stage of your diagnosis, I know that every test you go through brings with it, it's own fear.
I'm a bit of a control freak and need to know what's happening, why it's happening, and what else can happen so I get what you say when you know know what is happening to your body. I just made sure that I had myself well informed and was actively able to participate in conversations with my doctor in terms of what my treatment plan was going to be.
However, once you have determined your stage of cancer and you start the treatment plan, time will fly. And you will also find that it won't be all drips, doctors and hospital. I had a very fulfilling couple of months when I was going through treatment and used the time off from work to catch up with friends I hadn't seen in years. I'm back to work now, and I'm sad that I don't have the time to visit with my friends as much now.... So it's honestly not all bad.
Best of luck with the results

Hi Neadi

I hope today went ok for you.As all the other ladies have said you will get through this!!This time last year i was blisfully unaware of what was around the corner,and in one short sentence my world collapsed!!!This is the hardest part.You'll have information overload ,but then once you have treatment plan and get started it does seem to get a bit easier.I cant believe im coming up to a year on,fastest year of my life!!!
As Encee said the house still stands,the kids are plodding along as is the hubby.Take time for you everything else can wait.All of us are here to help you get through.

Every good wish
xx W

Hi girls!
Bone scan done. MRI to go! It actually wasn't too bad and apparently I'm too radioactive to go into school tomorrow. But I forced myself to go to choir (I only recently joined but am still making myself go) and found out that one of the members runs a cancer support centre near enough to me so not going to mope at home and go!! My friends keep telling me to ring the breast clinic to get my ct scan results. I'm terrified to do it! Is there any benefit in doing so, and if there was a problem- surely they would contact you??? It's just so bloody scary! Girls, what did ye do/ what do you think I should do??? Thanks again everyone for the replies and support. It really helps being in contact with ye xxxx

Hi Neadi
I remember my husband ringing me at work to ask me if I had phoned for the ct scan results. Of course I hadn't because I was too scared of what they might say. He actually phoned and they told him. As it turned out everything was ok but if there was a problem I think they would have said they couldn't discuss results until appt. To hear that would have been even more scary. My inclination would be to wait for appt which is prob in the next few days anyway. At least if there is anything to discuss you will hear it all and will have someone with you.
Good luck!
Josephine

Hi Josephine!
Thanks for sharing that! I felt like a paranoid freak!! Still do a bit....but slowly but surely thanks to you and the other girls I'm beginning to see that this is normal- although typing at 4 in the morning may not be! I got to sleep at 11ish so 5 hours unaided may not be so bad. I just want to know now what I have to fight and tackle it head on! Funny how this fight mentality kicks in and all you want to do is get it over and done with. Still scared outta my wits though, and all friends really don't know what to say.....in a way I would do ANYTHING for my girls but now I feel a sense of detachment and isolation and envy in a way that my life has to roll to a halt... But still maybe and if I have anything to do with it it won't be that way. Into day 13 now so we keep on trucking......
Thanks again!
Neadi xxxxx

Hi guys!
Curiosity got the better of me! I rang and it turns out that my ct scan has come back fine.......god! One bit of positive news.....waiting on bone scan results now.......
Neadi xxxx

You Brave Girl!! You do get strength from somewhere.

Thanks funky chick!!
Believe it or not it's looking at all you brave ladies and hearing about your experiences that's keeping me on the go. I know we've a rocky road ahead, but I'll focus on scans and treatment plan for now and as my nana said "cross each bridge as we come to it".
Thanks again neadi xxxxx