How can parents help a young adult
Our daughter, 25 years old, was diagnosed last July with oral cancer. She had an operation on her tongue, neck and no follow up was necessary. She visits her doctor every two months and is followed closely. She is angry with her parents, siblings and in general has shut her family out. We need to know how to help her come to terms with life now without making matters worse.
Thank you
Comments
Dear Agnuslu,
I am very sorry to hear that your daughter was diagnosed with oral cancer. It is all the more difficult for you as she shuts her family out. I will make some suggestions which I hope you might find helpful. You may also phone one of the nurses here on our Cancer Information Service on 1800 200 700 if you would like to discuss this more.
Would you or any of your family like to speak to a counsellor? We have a number of counsellors attached to the various cancer support centres. You might find that a counsellor could give you some suggestions on how to cope with this situation. Here is a link to all of our information on support services: http://www.cancer.ie/how-we-can-help/support
We also have a Peer to Peer support group and perhaps your daughter would like to speak to another person who has also had an oral cancer and is well now. We could arrange that for her if she phones us.
We have a lot of publications written around this subject. You can download them as PDF documents but it can also be nice to have a hard copy, so if you email helpline@irishcancer.ie with your postal address, we can send them to you. Here is the link to download PDF files: http://www.cancer.ie/publications/coping
This is an Irish website with information on support for families which you might find helpful: http://socialworkandcancer.com/family-meetings-2
Although it is very understandable that your daughter might feel very angry with a cancer diagnosis and hurt the ones they love most, nonetheless you want to help her. I hope some of the above suggestions will be helpful.
Kind regards,
Cancer Information Nurse
Dear Agnuslu
I am so sorry that your daughter had the experience of cancer; it's tough at any age to be diagnosed with any type of cancer, but I can only imagine how traumatic it was for a 24 year old girl to be diagnosed with oral cancer.
My heart certainly goes out to you - being a parent (I have two young children), I'm sure you would have moved heaven and earth for your daughter not to have to go through her ordeal; it more or less goes against what we believe to be the normal circle of life. But I'm sure that's not what you want to hear.
I can only give you my perspective as a fellow-parent, daughter and sister that has been a patient of oncology. I remember when I was 24 years old, I thought I knew everything! I certainly wouldn't have relied on my family for advice or support when I was younger - my ill-conceived opinion was that they hadn't a clue!
I probably have shut my family out in terms of me being honest about my experience with cancer - firstly, there is so much medical information to take in as a patient, and sometimes when you try to explain it in laymans terms, we over-simplify it. Also, there are days when I am sick to my teeth of people asking me how I am, and asking me exactly what was wrong with me and telling me I'm looking great and commenting on how it's all behind me but there are days when I don't want to talk about it anymore.
It's very hard not to take it personally, but unless there has been issues in your family, it's usually the cancer that your daughter is angry with, but takes it out on you. A year is not a long time in cancer-years. It could take your daughter a couple of years to get over the shock of it all.
I don't know how to advise you on how to help your daughter, as every situation is so different. Also, I'm not a qualified counsellor, and more importantly, I'm useless at giving the right advice. I know there are many centres that facilitate support groups for the families of people who have had cancer; sometimes counselling is available in the centre to you also.
I hope you get a resolution to all of the turmoil, take care x