teeage daughter

Hi Franny,

So sorry to read your post. It must be very difficult dealing with this behavior at this point when you probably expected life to be settling down again.

You don't say what age your daughter is, so it is hard to see what other factors might be coming into play. What I would suggest is that you try to ignore the negative communication for now, hurtful and destructive that it is, and try to find some moment in each day to start building bridges again, some tiny positive shared moment, maybe together with her father to try to get past some of the resentment that I feel must be building up on both sides between you and your daughter. If every suggestion you make is met with negativity, reply by saying that she doesn't need to decide now, that the option is open. Neither of you is in a good place right now for sure.

Is is OK for her to have visitors, to go out? Maybe having some friends over would help.

Hugs

Kath

Hi Kath
Thanks a million for your suggestion.My daugher is 15 and the word cancer is not to be mentioned. When she was dianoised and all through her treatment she threw herself into radio interviews,newspaper interviews, and fundraising for the hospital, but it was like as if the cancer was an out of body experience.My husband does not agree with me as he does not see her during the day as he is working.When he arrives home, its like looking at an actress,great form and acting the mick with him.I have also noticed that lately she seems to have distance herself from her brother who I must say was fantastic with her.he is 17.She sees her friends at the weekends as they are studying during the week but she is in contact with them daily.
Many thanks
Franny

Hi Franny,

Poor you and poor daughter. None of this is what you or she thought she'd be doing at the age of 15.

When I was a teenager I kept a diary and by chance re-read it all just when my eldest daughter was approaching adolescence. Reading it I could see the mechanisms of the arguments between myself and my mother, arguments that drove us apart so often and that made me wary of what I said in front of her. Some of the problem was definitely her fault as she was the adult in the story and should have sent me off to calm down rather than escalating the nasty exchanges between us. Time after time an impolite remark on my side would develop into full-blown hostilities because neither of us knew when to stop.

With my own daughters I tried to remain aware when arguments were getting out of hand and to not make statements I would regret. And to retract them if I did lose it. I also tried to find a time each day when the girls were open to talking. This was generally before bedtime and it really helped to keep the communication channels open over the years.

I had cancer at the age of 50. Accepting all it brings is very difficult and even more so at 15, poor angel. If she is in denial it may just be her way of dealing with it. I didn't let myself believe that my chemo was really really necessary for months. It was well over by the time it truly sank in that it was a lot more than just a precaution. Give her time and give yourself time too.

Take care

Kath

Hi franny, sounds to me that she hasn't dealt with the emotional turmoil that goes hand and hand with cancer. The fundraising etc may have have distracted her from what was actually happening to her. Now that the cancer is gone, it's hard to go back to normal life and sounds like she is taking it out on those closest to her. I would definitely suggest that counselling would beneficial to help her talk about her experiences.
Hope this helps,
Ania

Hi Ania
Thanks a million for your reply.
I rang the hospital today so we are seeing the oncologist on Tuesday.Personally I do believe that my daughter should have received some counselling while on chemo.Also as a mother I should have been given some advice on what to expect when we came home.As in mood swings not the normal ones she had before the diagnoisis but the added hatred towards me, maybe a bit severe to use that word ,but its the way I feel. Also the lack of appetite tiredness etc it wasn't as if I had been through it before thankfully.
Regards.
Franny

Hi Kath
Its not that there are non stop arguments its just the manner in her tone eg. get out just leave me alone.when I do check on the way she speaks to me its poor you always the victim??????.How do you answer that when she was the victim and thankfully now the survivor.I cant actually find a right moment with her to try to understand what is going on in her head.
Regards
Frany