myeloma and pancreatic cancer
my mam was diagnosed just over two years ago with myeloma, cancer of the blood. at that time she was given 4 years to live...this changed everything for everyone, no one realised how sick she was, she had even put it down to menopause, just lack of energy and had gotten used to the pain. shes the strongest woman i know. She got very sick over the last 2 years,she recieved lots of intensive chemo and then a stem cell transplant,which seemed to work, she looks and feels so much better and had so much belief in it that she was convinced she'd get ten to 15 yrs instead..we all kinda believed it, until a recent doctor visit gave her a more "realistic" view.
Then three weeks ago, her mother, my grandmother whos lived with us for the past 18 years was diadnosed with pancreatic cancer. we havent told her yet, but i think she knows. i dont live in the family home, havent for nearly 7 years and i dont seem to be able to grasp the possitive attitude the rest of them are portraying. i admire them for it of course, but when i do come to visit i end up getting so sad and frustrated that i blow up at the silliest things and cause arguments or tension when its the last thing i want to do.
we never really talked about feelings or emotions growing up, im fine arond my friends but im not very good at expressing myself with my family. In between my rants or arguments i catch myself looking at these two women who have rared and shaped and influenced me so much, and i can see the day when im looking at where they used to sit, or the bedrooms they decorated, or the cup they liked...and i can see me kicking myself for carrying on the way i do now...but i dont know what else to do, im so angry all the time and so afraid to let them know how im feeling incase i upset them, i dont want either of them to hurt any more. Everyones bein so positive and they'r all living near eachother so it seems normal to them, moving home isnt an option. i joined this sight for information and already feel a little less isolated after reading some other members topics. i could really use advise....
Hi Winnie,
I know a while has passed since you posted your message, and I hope some of the problems you were having have sorted themselves out.
I don't know what to make of doctors "realistic" views. Everyday I hear of someone who defied the odds and lived on well after they were suppoed to according to the doctors. I believe that no harm - in fact, only good - can ever come from having hope that you or your loved one will be the exception to the rule.
You have been living with your mams cancer for two years - that takes an awful tolll on a person. At the beginning when you find out you are buffetted by the shock and all the support from family and friends. But as time goes on, the reality hits in and everybody has to get on ith the daily routine, and its the family that have to keep going with the routine of sickness, which can often be dreary and seem thankless (although I doubt it really is).
It is perfectly understandable that you feel angry and sad and frustrated. But just because its your mam that has the cancer doen't mean you're not suffering too - and now with your gran as well. you say your family members are keeping a brave face on - its easier to keep a brave face on if you have someone or somewhere to express all those feelings that you can't show in front of your mam or your gran. It sounds like you can't do that, and that you really need to lean on someone. You mentioned your friends - maybe they could help. And they have a bit of distance, which is a good thing.
There's no point in worrying about kicking yourself in the future over your behaviour in the present - you are doing the best you can, don't be so down on yourself. If you find yourself having a rant or a go at someone, show a bit of vulnerabilty, just say that you're feeling down and you didn't mean it - it is amazing what a bit of remorse and and explanation can do and it'll bring you closer to the person.
Also, i'd say its easier to see your mam having cancer as normal if you're living i the house with her 24/7. Every time you come in from the "healthy" world the unfairness and sadness of your family's situation probably hits you afresh, and you are angry at it and at the people who seem to accept it so easily.
I am sorry if I am reading you wrong, I think I am talking for myself as well as you. It's just that I can relate to what you were going through back in November. My sister was diagnosed with secondary cervical cancer in the lung a month ago and has been given 6 months tops. In the past weeks I havee been really angry with my other sister, as she was so wrapped up in her own grief that she wasn't pulling her weight and supporting the rest of the family. It's only me and my dad, I work full time, and she isn't working at the moment so has alot of free time. I realised how pointless it was getting mad at her, and that what I took to be selfishness on her part was just hurt that was rendering her unable to cope. So I gave her a break and tried to give her some support cause I know that ther'll come I time when I can't cope and I need her not to shut me out.
I hope that you, your mam and hers are doing ok.
Winnie (my name's Winnie too!)