Back to work & bad memory/concentration

Hi shield
Can't help on the back to work front as am at home with 3 smallies.But the tiredness and forget fullness is really bad.I was always one to remember everything,now I can barely remember what I did yesterday and have to write down everything.I have been on a 2 week break from tamoxifen and the tiredness has lifted a little am hoping on Monday that onc will leave me off it and switch to something else.Also I find my eyesight is terrible.

Hope things get better for you.
Xx

Oh you poor thing. I have great fears about going back to work and I've decided not to think about it till herceptin is over in August. We have been in this 'very different' world for the best part of a year and its difficult mentally and physically to get back to what we were before, if ever. When or if I go back I hope just to go back for a few days a week at first and ease myself into it, but as I say it's furthest from my mind at the moment, dreading it.

Thanks girls for the replies, I have an eye test booked for Saturday as that's another problem I'm having since going back to work. I thought it was all in my head, but maybe not. I had very bad sight before treatment but I do find it far worse now.

Shirls

Sorry to hear you are finding it difficult Shirls, but I don't think you are alone. It is a year since I finished chemo and RT, but I have not returned to work (I had my own business and going back part time is not really an option). My memory is not what it was, and multi-tasking is just a non-starter. I used to be so organised and it is very frustrating not to be able to do the things I did before. There are still some days when even having a shower and getting dressed saps my energy, but I am so grateful that my cancer is gone. I take my time doing what I can and spend more time with my family which is a real bonus. I am considering what I might do next, but am waiting for my reconstruction before I decide as that will take some time to recover from as well.

Good luck.
Karen

Hi Shirls,

Your post has certainly struck a chord with me. I could have written it myself and my heart goes out to you.

I returned to my old job that I love in September, working half days. Everyone is very helpful and understanding and there is no pressure to perform except from myself. I've been given short low-pressure projects but it is still a struggle. For tasks where I have done something similar in the past I can consult my old notes and reports and repeat what I did before. However, when I need to do something I have never done before I just can't get started. I can't picture the different steps in doing something or break it down. Each new task is a huge hurdle and not just the interesting technical challenge it was before. I feel very stupid as if my mind is processing information at a much slower rate than before. There are no sparks, no ideas coming. It's scary and doesn't feel like me.

My job is quite demanding technically and I am devastated to be so swamped by poor memory, lack of concentration and fatigue. I have totally lost confidence in myself as an engineer. I don't have anything much useful to contribute anymore and it is a huge blow to my self-esteem. There seems to be no improvement as time goes by - 9 months now - and I really don't know what to do for the best.

If only I could be more positive for you! But I guess this part of our recovery is slow too and we must live through it as best we can. Maintaining an "onwards and upwards" attitude on a professional level has been extremely difficult for me. It's hard not to feel very let down. I hadn't at all anticipated things would be like this.

I wish you the best of luck in finding your way back to the professional Shirls you used to be. It's just a longer road than we thought it was and for sure five weeks is early days.

Hugs

Kath

Hi lovely ladies,

I can totally empathise. Am longer out from active treatment then some of you, finished treatments in nov 2009. I went back to work to a slightly different and a little less demanding role than what I had left. I was missing for 20 months having left on maternity leave but was diagnosed when babs no 2 was 5 months old.

For the first 4 months I did a three day week. I physically was not up for more. Brain took a long time to get started. It is way better now then it was in feb/march/April 2010 but I have to admit to only geting back to about 85% of what I remember. To be honest no one else really knows except me.

New tasks or activities are a HUGE ordeal and I put them off for as long as I can which stresses me out no end. I dont know why I do this, fear...lack of confidence...not bothered!!! I have not figured out which.

Lists are my new best friends and I find if I write weekly tasks down and update a daily list on a post it as I leave each evening, I am more on top of things.

It is not easy, it will get better, we may never be as super brainy or as mega organised as we once were but hey, we are alive!

Don't be too hard on yourselves girls.

XX

Hi Shirls
I totally get you.
I went back to work but in a completely new role in a new workplace, with the recommendation and support of former work colleagues. It was meant to be a certain number of hours a week but wasn't the case. I took on huge responsibilities and probably took it more personally as I wanted to prove to the world and it's mother that I was fine, nothing to look at here folks, move along now!
Sadly, the job didn't suit; I was stressed to the hilt, juggling too much on my own and felt that I wasn't as able to give as much of myself that the job demanded. I started suffering from insomnia, serious fatigue, ridiculous weight-loss very quickly, low blood pressure, no concentration, irritable, continuous twitch in my eye, having difficulty with my vision, very emotional and a load of other issues that I can't remember.
Everyone was so worried about me but I ignored them and pushed on, hoping I would suddenly break through the wall. Never happened.
So with further support from my saint of a husband, my children, my family, my employer and friends and with great force from my GP, I have gone out on indefinite sick leave.
We are definitely not rolling in money and this decision caused a few more moths to fly out of the purse but we have survived so far.
The biggest thing I learnt was that no-one had put me under that much pressure except me. I had this imaginary voice telling me that I had to prove to everyone that if I worked like a Trojan then everything would be back to normal. I imagined that I would disappoint my boss if I said I wasn't up to the job but shur when I eventually did say it, my boss was more than accommodating.

If you are still feeling this way in a week or two, maybe have a chat with your superior and see if there is anything that can be done to help support you in your role without compromising your job.

I honestly thought that as I was drawing nearer the end of my treatment that things would begin to start getting back to normal, but with help through counselling, psychotherapy and reflexology I have now accepted this is my new normal and while changes have been made to deal with that I'm in a much happier place.

God it is so interesting to read these posts. I was thinking oh it's the tamoxifen that's causing it and I won't be on it then I read Encee is same as me on no medication. Scary stuff and to be honest I looked into what I would get if I resigned on sick grounds and its a good offer with a pension, but I wasn't really thinking of leaving but now you girls are making me think strong and hard. I can go back and try it and still avail of the package so we will see. Not thinking about it till herceptin is finished.

Hi Mary,
Just to throw the last tuppence in - I was halfway through Herceptin when I went back to work and had just finished it when I decided to take time out.
In relation to your own consideration of retrning to work; don't think too far ahead; I'd suggest making the most of the time you now have off.
And I haven't given up on the whole work thing quite yet but am exploring going to college in September when I might have found more mojo!

Thanks Encee it's great to get good advice. No I'm not rushing into it and have no great desire to go back at the moment and am enjoying my time off, especially now as I'm beginning to feel much better. Thanks again and I hope it works out for you.

Oh girls ye have me worried... I am only in the middle of chemo and was hopin to get back to work once radiotherapy was done. Financially we will need me to go back to work.

I finished radiotherapy a week ago and I couldn't contemplate it yet as I'm still tired, probably both physically and mentally. I suppose like the girls say we don't realise what our bodies and minds have been through until we try to do normal things. Try not to worry too much at the moment as you are the most important person while having chemo. Try put it out of your mind for the moment and take care

I know u are right . I should just forget about it. Work aren't puttin any pressure on me. I guess I am puttin it on myself.

Thanks

Ladies,
I could have written all those posts myself! Scary stuff! I am nothing like the person I was pre cancer and the thought of returning to any sort of work seems almost inconceivable at the moment.

True I had a pretty rough ride during chemo - I spent more time being admitted than I did at home during those months and only made it through 5 out of the 6 treatments. Oncologist told me I wouldn't make it through another. I suppose I never really thought that the poison going in was killing anything other than the bad stuff .... well until now that is when I can't finish a sentence or explain anything in a succinct and organised fashion. Honestly I think that any co-ordination skills or bit of intelligence that I ever had has been destroyed leaving in its wake the sort of person who couldn't organise a "p.... up in a brewery". It is such an eye opener. Up until now I never felt old, whatever life threw at me I just took it and ran with it. I feel that I have aged about 20 years in the last 14 months since diagnosis.

For me chemo finished in July 2012. Apart from the emotional bit I found surgery ok and RT tiring and a few ugly burns but nothing too bad. I did have chemo again with the RT which left me mega tired. All treatment finished in January so I thought I would be hale and hearty by now. I need to return to work for financial reasons but can't imagine being able to get through a full day at work never mind a week. I can identify with the fatigue, lack of concentration, lack of self confidence and inability to remember anything. I used to teach IT at one stage and found myself much to my distress simply unable last week to carry out beginner's tasks. I couldn't even remember the name of the action or where I would find it. I thought if this is what I am like now there is no hope for me in a busy work place.

My day is sorting my Little boy out and getting him to creche, a few household chores, a walk and that is it yet I feel like I have done 10 rounds with Mike Tyson on a regular basis. Tired in a way that no sleep ever seems to address. Plenty of insomnia too and the "panic" dreams.

Unfortunately I am not in a position to not work. As soon as this haze lifts sufficiently I will have to be back in there. The clock is ticking on making that return but am scared stiff. I know I can't function like I did before. I thought the mastectomy was the worst thing that could have happened to me up to this but boy was I wrong .... it is the loss of my ability to do anything at a professional level. Does anyone know if there are ways to improve your mind to get you back to what you were before.

Anyway ladies .... glad to know I am not alone. Was seriously beginning to think that I was losing it lol! Loving the bone and joint pain from Arimidex .... I have the body and now mind of an 80+ year old

Girls
Thank you so so much for all your replies. I am so happy to know that I am not alone. I really was streesing out. I guess I just need to give it more time.

So grateful to you all for your support,

Shirls x

Christ! We are a lovely example of what brain mush is like! I found a book in the library when I was going through chemotherapy on how to deal with chemotherapy brain. I can't remember the name of the bloody book!!!!!
Ah, we'll be grand! We just need to be easier on ourselves. It's all still early days! Let's see what we are line this time next year when we read back on this post

Isn't this forum just so helpful. I wouldn't know any of this only from reading the posts and at least people know they're not the only ones. Yes let's not be hard on ourselves we've all gone through a lot it'll take time

Completely agree with everything that has been said, and frequently struggle as described above. I think give it time......
I also think you can sort-of retrain your brain. I had to keep working during chemo etc, part time, for myself and because my brain was crap I had to work around it, pushing hard on the good days, writing down simple steos, making diageams of the problem at hand, lists, reminders, re-reading, doing calculations slowly to prepare; and asking my partner and trusted employees to help me. I have to admit I kept these things concealed from others; you have to know who your allies are.
I think the brain can make new connections and work differently; but I accept ut is impaired now and am hoping I can just keep working around it. Apart from memory, and multi tasking and working out complex problems my spatial thinking has disimproved; and that upsets me.
But I think I would've hit menopause anyway, even without BC and I might have experienced some of this.
Hoping and onwards...

Xxx

Shirls,

you've voiced my experience so well!! Was at the top of my game before BC, worked in a high pressure IT operational environment & loved it, was so career orientated I look back now & wonder who that person was!! I finished Herceptin in Feb 2012 so am over a year out of treatment & over 2 years post diagnosis. I had to give the job up, I was lucky that I could retire as I had been with the company for over 33 years prior to all of this but honestly couldn't hack it when I went back part-time about this time last year. I couldn't believe how bad I was & how I couldn't cope if things happened that knocked my schedule. I don't know what to say to help you except that I think the treatments leave their mark in our heads & I'm not sure how long it takes for this to go (if ever??). It does knock your confidence so be careful, I eventually went to counselling, it helped with the confidence but not with the forgetfulness, I still have that, my Mum is 80 & I swear she's more with it than I am at times

Good luck & best wishes.