lost once again!!!!!

Hi there

Please dont fret. What you are feeling is completely " normal" in our little world of cancer. You have been through so much both emotionally and physically and it is only now that all the hurt, anger and fear comes bubbling to the surface. I was diagnosed in Feb 2011 and had chemo, surgery, a reconstruction, radiation, a dose of MRSA and 17 rounds of Herceptin. As you said, when you are in the throws of treatment there is no time to think, you just pick up your cross and walk. And just when you come to the end of your treatement - the time when everyone thinks you are nearly " fixed" you probably feel like screaming at the top of your lungs, " I feel so broken" but you dont because you dont want to " burden" your family and friends. It is now that you probably need more support. I dont know where you live but I attend the Gary Kelly Centre in Drogheda. It is a cancer suport centre. It was there that I met many women like me ( and by the sounds of it;you) and I could share my fears and frustrations with them and realised that they were going through the same things as me. We laugh and cry but most importantly we help each other. They have been instrumental in getting me back focused again and starting to embrace the " new me". I still have bad days but they are getting less and less and I am now planning on going back to work in September. I hope this gives you some hope that there is light at what has been a very long and dark tunnel. This forum is also a great opportunity to meet other women like ourselves and to give and receive support.
Keep the faith
Love and Light
Sinéad

Wilmaone I am still plodding along this path but can identify 100 per cent with the sentiment that the person I am now bears no resemblance to the person I was pre diagnosis.

I have one chemo to go the. Surgery in Sept. Have been hospitalised with all sorts of side effects, clots from Picc line etc. I started going to counselling at St Vincents which might help you. You seem to be saying a lot of the things I do when at counselling. I cry a lot when I am there usually coz I am feeling crap but also coz I realise the woman I was is gone and someone else has replaced her. Mastectomy and delayed recon will erode the old me still further.

Sensible me knows that I have to do all this to save my life. I guess the issue is that none of it is under my control or my choice. Once the chemo, surgery and radiotherapy are over and the cancer is gone the medics stand back as you are fixed from their point of view the reality is you are far from it. A different kind of support is needed - hopefully the counselling and cancer support centres can provide that. I am probably rambling on heavy meds today currently hospitalised.

Best wishes to you.

Thank you ladies

Dane sorry to hear your in hospital you really have had a tough time.Glad to hear im not alone in the feelings at the moment.I find i have so many emotions and different feelings that change frequently!!!!(this could be down to tamoxifen)my poor husband doesnt know what to do or say.I think like everyone else once the 'main events'are over he thought grand shes better.Truth be told for me emotionaly the surgery and chemo were the easy part really struggling now.
Maybe its gonna pass last herceptin wasnt great was convinced i was after getting wrong meds,wrecked tired lost my taste again sightly and so my appetite,just kept having flashbacks to chemo,maybe thats what started me off thinking.I look forward to the 5 seconds in the morning when i wake up and forget the last 9 months.those 5 secs are sooo presious.

Dane hope you out soon and recover well for last chemo.Shinners im in dublin but am gonna check out support centers.

xxx

Released today Wilmaone thanks for your kind wishes.

Will not be doing the last chemo they have decided too risky bearing in mind I have been hospitalised 4 times now so surgery now moving forward.

Let us know how you get on with the support groups and
Counselling

All the best
Dane

Hi there

I can really relate to everything that has been said here. I know I have changed a lot in the last year but I don't know who I am any more. One of the nurses told me when I was having my last herceptin not to be surprised if I felt very different when treatment was finished and that if would take a while for my self confidence to come back. I had been so sick for the year and worrying about how everyone else was coping with my cancer that I didn't even realise it was gone. I found myself a bit lost in the aftermath. I am not the person I was before. I am not the cancer patient I have been for the last year (thank god!) but who am I?
Know this a bit of a rant but I now know most of you reading this will will understand.
Good luck to everyone out there x

Hi Guys

I was reading the posts and I can really relate to everything that has been said. I am due my last Herceptin in 2 weeks time and whilst I am delighted that the treatment phase is over, I am feeling really fearful of what happens next. My oncologist told me that after the last Herceptin I may feel very tired and a bit low but that would pass. I also felt a bit sick after my last Herceptin and got that awful taste in my mouth that I had with Chemo and it scared the hell out of me. On the next day I saw a lady with a scarf on her head and the tears came to my eyes. The last 18 months just flashed into my head and I panicked!. I thought I was doing well up until 2 weeks ago now I am not sure what is going on with me. I guess this is something that is going to happen from time to time and we all have to find coping mechanisims. It also just hit me that I will never have children. I was never overly maternal but now the choice has been taken from me I feel very sad and robbed. I know I should just be happy that I am alive and have been given the chance to live while so many have not, but it just feels that this will never be over. Sorry for being a moan, just having a moment!!
Hope everyone else is having a good day

x

Shinners so sorry to hear that you are having a down day. Even more sorry that this cursed disease has made the choice that you will not have children. It seems so doubly cruel.

I am not on Herceptin - am Her2 negative so have no idea about it. I think that there will always be days where we remember what has passed - diagnosis, treatment, surgery etc and the panic will set in. Hopefully as time passes those days will become fewer and far between and eventually become just a dull memory.

I am attending counselling at the psycho oncology unit at St. Vincent's at the moment. I am sceptical about if it will do me any good as basically I am unhappy that I have cancer and how I and my body and life have changed as a result of that. All the talking in the world is not going to change that fact.

I can't talk my boob back or the freedom or choice I once felt that I no longer have.

However what I am feeling and all the crying that I do is according to the therapist "totally normal". Was beginning to think that I was going mad as I just cant shake this weepy state. Most of the cancer patients she sees say the same things as I do. Hearing that made me feel less isolated and alone.

Don't know whether you have considered it. Might help in finding the coping mechanism you talked about.
all the best. dane.

Thanks ladies

Slowly digging myself out of hole i seem to have slipped into!!Shinners so sorry its all catching up with you now you really have had a double wammy!!
Every time i feel im getting on something seems to happen.Taste gone yuck again today and have realised i have an itch in similar place over new boob just like i had previous that wont go away!!!think i have been ignoring it.I hate that every little thing freaks me out.

On a positive note i ditched the wig yesterday(heat was getting to me!!!!)i have about 2/3mm of hair which is now grey but i decided i am who i am now and i have to say it feels so nice not to have it on.another step taken.it will be coloured in another few mm time.

good thoughts to all

xxx

Hi Guys

Its Monday and just back from a very long walk with the dog. I dont know who is more wrecked, her or me . Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I have to say the " blues" have passed and I am feeling much more confident. Am back to see the Breast Surgeon and the physio tomorrow so I am hopeing that all will be well. I was looking for a piece of advice. I attend Beaumont and they have been fantastic but when I asked if I would get a scan after all my treatment to make sure there were no more nasties I was told that there was no need for one because of all the treatment I have had, and that an MRI can just casue more stress where it is not needed. Now I want to believe them but I am still nervous that something might be lurking. Should I push this and request a scan for piece of mind?
Sinéad

Hi Sinead,
know where your coming from on this one. Have posted you a PM.

A

Girls it's great to read about all your experiences and your advice. I can relate totally to all these feelings. I had mastectomy in Jan, following 6 months of chemo, and after surgery I had radiotherapy. Now it's all over, am on Tamoxifen for next five years and waiting to hear about reconstruction (next year they tell me. grrrr...!) Physically I feel okay (apart from side effects of tamoxifen, the typical flushes and waking up in mid of night) but I do feel panicked at times - fearing every ache and pain is something serious! It drives me distracted. I haven't done counselling, although it may be something I will consider. Like Dane, I am a bit sceptical, however, not sure what good talking will do. I feel very emotional, an episode of Home and Away would set me off crying, and even though I'm back at work and ostensibly getting on with things, there are moments when I feel completely and utterly lost! I also miss my boob, the minute I wake up in the morning I'm under the bed getting the god-damn prosthesis out as I can't bear anyone to see me without it. I thought that would get easier but I'm actually finding it is getting more difficult. It does help to rant though. And share! Thanks.

[color=#BF00BF:3itw8zhv]Hi everyone, it really is so helpful to me reading about your experiences and how you are finding your own journey with cancer. On the subject of counselling its not something I have done yet as obviously I am in the very very early stages and I'm so busy with 'appointments' my mind is playing catch up to my body still. But it is something I would consider based on previous very positive experiences with counselling when I lost my little girl suddenly 6 years ago. Sometimes I feel all the feelings I went through then have nearly 'prepared' me for having cancer if that makes sense. That was the worst 'loss' in my life and I had to go through a hell of a grieving period and feeling I had lost myself literally. When I got the cancer diagnosis I felt a lot of similar feelings I felt when my daughter died-I felt confused, angry, lost, sad, grieving for the life I had that wasn't always perfect but with hindsight was pretty much okay. The old 'if I'd only know I was going to get cancer I would have done so much more living in the weeks before'. But I didnt know I was going to get cancer and I cant regret the past.

Having experienced such huge loss and change in my life before I would now say that having cancer does feel similar in so many ways. I found talking did help. It sounds so simple really but it really worked for me. It gave me a chance to 'vent' my feelings in a really safe place for maybe an hour a week. It was so different to talking to friends, family or people I knew as the counseller was just there for me and I didnt have to see her again during my 'normal' week so I didnt have to worry about 'hurting' her with my feelings/emotions. I used to come out feeling emotionally wrecked but relieved too having offloaded.

At the moment I feel so many similar feelings that I felt when I lost my little girl. Its amazing how similar the grieving is and I really am feeling sad for the loss of the life I had before which was only a few weeks ago when I didnt know I had cancer. I have lost both my breasts and its just the 'weirdest' feeling knowing they 'cut' them off to save my life yet at the same time they were such a part of who I was. I did wonder about silly things like 'where do they go, what do they do with them'...they were mine after all. I'm just allowing myself to feel sad when I feel sad, happy when I feel happy, angry, confused, scared etc. whenever those feelings come up. Its literally as I feel it. I am conscious of staying upbeat and positive for my family as much as me. I have to go through this and it may as well be with a smile on my face as I cant change it. But what is keeping me strong is knowing that I got through a very sad,tough time in my life before and went on to smile, laugh and enjoy life again in time. I found an inner strength that I never knew I had. I am hoping this journey will be the same for me.

I'm very lucky to have access to the Gary Kelly Centre which is local to me and I do see myself using it as my crutch in the coming weeks/months. Just to know I'm not the only one helps so much.
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Hi there

I am so sad to hear of the loss of your daughter and now you have this cross to bear, you are an inspiration to all of us. I sent you a pm last week re the Gary Kelly Centre. I was offered counselling through St Lukes Radiation Oncology Unit in Beaumont and I decided I had nothing to lose by going along. I met with a fantastic psychologist and she has helped me so much since I finished radiation in January. I was at a crossroads in my life just before I was diagnosed with cancer and was considering work and life changes. Boy did I get life changes but not really the ones I was hoping for but having said that Jennifer helped me to work through my fears and frustrations and to start considering what changes I wanted to make in my career and my personal life. She really acted as a Life Coach as opposed to a " counsellor" and I am so grateful to her.
I think most of us know when the time is right to go and talk to someone and I hope that you all get offered the same level of help that I got.
I am laughing here about your comment on where did your boobs go. I never thought of that before but you are right, they were yours, but please God in time you will get brand new perky ones that you will love just as much.
Love and lights

Sinéád

Hi sunshine71

So sorry to hear you lost your little girl. After that cross to bear, you would think you had your lot of bed things. My sister also lost her daughter at 15 months and she suffered a lot. Our parents are 80ish and it knocked so much out of them. Now i feel ,I've brought all the grief back on the whole family again. it all just seems unfair, all those bad guys out there in the world and nothing seems to happened to them. I'm really angry that I'm the one, I eat healthy, don't smoke, don't drink, breastfed for 6 years! I went for a session of counselling locally last week but didn't get much out of it. I did lots of talking but I felt I needed a take home message to make me feel better and I didn't get it. But I would be a fan in general. I went to someone 5'years ago on a totally diff problem and she was excellent. unfortunately she has moved.
But if you find the right person, counselling could be great.

Josephine