Devastation again :(

Hope everybody had a good day today!!

Xx

Neadi hope you have a great one tomorrow.

xx

Thanks Wilmaone

My friends helped me pick out a nice dress- I have to admit I was very sad thinking this was the last time i would be shopping for the real me- but we had a good afternoon and the coffee and cookies after helped....

So on to my big graduation tomorrow.....I will try to enjoy it as I worked so so hard to achieve it. My last big hurrah before recovery .....

Xx

Hope you enjoy your graduation Neadi.

In answer to your questions on the evening of the surgery I was able to get out and go to the loo myself ... but needed the safety pins to keep those drains under control. They are uncomfortable and you will have 2 in for some time. I was in hospital from Monday to Friday as I had a few issues post surgery. They give you good pain meds .... take them - keep the pain under control, do the physio as often as you can bear it and it will be no bother to you. You sound pretty fit if you are running so you have a good starting point there.

I was going for a "walk" outside by about a week. Was a little tired, stiff and sore but was "normal" by then. No driving is recommended for a couple of weeks - it depends on how your arm is and whether you get cording. Cording is a nasty side effect and I have had a good bit of physio to help improve it.

Once the drains are out you will have to go to the hospital every so often to have the wound drained manually as fluid tends to accumulate around the scar. For me this went on for about a month post surgery but varies from person to person. Hope that helps.

Thanks a million!!

I just hope it all runs smoothly, but after seeing others come through the other side it gives me hope that it will....

Hope everything goi g ok with you

Xx

After bone scan results the oncologist wants me to do a CT scan as they can see some activity on the scan and want greater clarity

Well no stone is being left unturned!
When is that taking place? I hope there is a date in place or there will be one soon.....one thing I have learnt is that if this thing doesn't get me (which it WILL NOT) the stress from waiting around for tests results etc....will.

Lots of love

Xx

It's 3 in the morning.......

I graduated today. Golly even my thesis supervisor was wearing a bc badge on her robes....the support you get from the oddest places...

Anyway we had a lovely family meal and I had the works.....got a bit down but all in all got through the day....

Now here I am wide awake and worrying about next Thursday.....

Will it hurt?
What if something goes wrong??
Is it seriously weird to wake up with one boob gone?
Dear god this is really really happening......

No matter how many people say "you'll be fine and better...." it just doesn't help really. We took photos and it's the last time I'll be at an occasion as me......just sad and so very very scared at what is coming my way......

[b:2gv32epm]Will it hurt? [/b:2gv32epm] The operation itself wont hurt as you will be in the land of not but afterwards I suppose it would be a little uncomfortable (havent got it done just thinking thats what it would be like)

[b:2gv32epm]What if something goes wrong?? [/b:2gv32epm] You are in great hands in there and it is highly highly highly unlikely that something will go wrong

[b:2gv32epm]Is it seriously weird to wake up with one boob gone? [/b:2gv32epm] I would say it is sorry no comfort on that one - I think I will be really sad when I lose mine but the way I am looking at it I am not losing a boob I am losing something that has cancer in it and if I dont lose it who will look after my three girls? They can take what they want off me as long as I get better.

[b:2gv32epm]Dear god this is really really happening...... [/b:2gv32epm] unfortunately it is and this is nothing you can do to change it you have to run with it bit like being in labour you need to get the baby out! Its happening to you and when you get over this you can look forward to continuing your life being healthy and start back to planning your lovely family. I was 41 on last baby

You are doing great girl its so hard I know but keep the chin up and keep thinking that this time next year you will be back on the rails again and be able to start planning your life.

Congrats again on yesterday - dont beat yourself up you did greating getting your M Ed and how you are coping as it has all gone so fast for you.

Be thinking of you!!

dee xx

Hi Dee!!

Thanks for the encouragement! I sometimes feel a bit silly posting my worries up, when I know the only obvious thing to do is what they're doing next Thursday and subsequently after that!

I want to be alive for my hubbie and family and friends who have just been fantastic...but just very very apprehensive and afraid......

When they cut out all that's there next week, is that me clear? When exactly will I know?? With this it all seems to be wait for this and that and the other. I am afraid, but I've waited now for nearly 7 weeks, and although I really want these horrible lumps and cells outta me, everything still seems bloody uncertain and scary still....

Still you're dead right dee, I just have to run with this now and give it a rattle, and hey I got to graduate, so that was a plus and something cancer couldn't take away from me......

Never feel silly posting worries up - thats what this place is for!

As for are you clear after it etc.etc. thats one thing I find really hard to handle its like nothing is set in concrete. I have one positive node so far and they said they would/may take them all out. There wsa no mention of RT till I asked the other day (so that means no recon straight away) I am still so unclear on everything. Had three questions for doctor and only remembered two!!!!

Lets hope yours is straight forward enough and keep asking questions

I'm in the same boat as you- no immediate recon because of the radiation treatment. You'll prob get fitted with an expander in the meantime.

Your hormone status is the same as me also er+ means that we will almost be needing tamoxifen for the following 5 years after our radiation, as we have to supress the estrogen our bodies are producing, and the cancer we have us feeding off this. Her2- means that we do not need to take herceptin treatment....well that's what I was told.....

The questions seem to be getting longer and longer each time......

Also if you are younger or pre menopausal they tend to treat you more aggressively and although you may not need everything it's to ensure that EVERYTHING is blitzed and you're not back in the same predicament in 10 years time (please god!!!!!)

Neadi thanks for that summed up some things for me. Yes looks like I am like you.

I am pre-menapausal however this will kick me into menapause - yeeha just what I wanted - sure bring it on!!!! along with all the other crap. Had my period last week (this is the last one they said) so along with no hair products no tampons!!

It's the menopause thing that's really getting me down too- I will have to ask about the kiddy thing, but it's just rubbish to have to deal with that on top of all the other crap......

Anyway, I've a he'll of a hill to climb before that kicks off......

Xx

Hi girls just reading your last few posts. I am also terrified of the surgery. Absolutely terrified. Sometimes I feel like I will never get over this. I feel like i will just want to crawl under the bed and stay there for months on my own. Having the surgery before Christmas I feel puts me on a stage, where everyone will be calling and asking how I am and I will have to put on a brave face for them. I am just not sure that I can! I will have tissue expanders, so will be flat for the first while, then they will replace with implants. What if they look terrible? What if I don't like them? What if I can never get used to them?
I had a terrible chemo session, with very rare side effects, couldn't walk, developed a bad stutter and my head shakes, it used to all the time, bt now it's oly when I am talking or concentrating. Doctors seem to have no idea if it's permanent or not, they hope it will disappear in time. So I guess I am not expecting surgery to be any better

Very depressed

Ooooh didnt know you would get it too as you are much younger than me..... but as you are younger you will get kicked back out too? Sorry dont know too much about it - I am learning fromyou!

Hi Neadi

Glad your grad went well. Good on you doing that M Ed. What did you do it in. I am or should I say was a Secondary School teacher should be planning for the new, improved me to undertake further study although right now chemo brain sometimes makes it difficult to remember when I head to the bathroom what I went in there for .... was it really a trip to the kitchen I intended:-)))

Anyway - your questions
[b:1tddkidm]Will it hurt?[/b:1tddkidm] No. You are totally out some time before the op begins and medicated when you wake up. Bit nervewrecking waiting to go in as your husband won't be able to be with you once you head up into the theatre unit. I found the waiting bit there hard, the tears were at the ready and I really had to fight to keep them back. Afterwards I felt no pain. They will give you regular meds. Take them. You will feel uncomfortable and the arm will be the first shock. It will be really tight and painful under the arm and you won't be able to use it so well. Taking the regular meds will allow you do the physio which helps relieve the tightness you will feel across chest and under arm.

I do need to say that there may be a considerable dip where the boob was then a totally flat area. I know you know you will have no boob but nothing prepared me for the dip. The bigger your bust was the bigger the hole. Some of the dramatic dip that starts maybe as far up as under your collar bone is due to the drains they put in and the suction created to drain the area really pulls the skin in and down so there was a really big hole for me. It did traumatise me but 2 weeks later when the drains were out it is still there but much less obvious. Until reconstruction occurs it will be there so dressing afterwards needs some careful thought otherwise the hole is on show.

[b:1tddkidm]What if something goes wrong??[/b:1tddkidm] Any operation has a risk but they really know what they are doing. You will be in very safe hands and even if things are not straightforward they have a team there for all the assistance you could need. It is a straightforward operation according to those in the medical know.

[b:1tddkidm]Is it seriously weird to wake up with one boob gone?[/b:1tddkidm] Can't say no but equally a sense of relief that they have cut that cancer out that was going to kill you is felt. I hadn't a problem with the flatness - was prepared for that but the dip made me weep. About a day or so post surgery the breast care nurse came in and fitted me for softie prosthesis and gave me a mastectomy bra. Wept buckets when I saw "myself". Wept intermittently all day and then it was a case of **** that, this is how it is now, I need to just get on with it. You are never going to like how you look as the scar is considerable all the way across your chest and under your arm but once it is done it is reality and while it takes time to accept it, acceptance does come.

[b:1tddkidm]Dear god this is really really happening[/b:1tddkidm]...... yep fraid so but this surgery will cure you as your cancer is early stage. Once it is gone, chemo and RT will blast any micro bits that might be there and you will have this behind you. A year later once skin is ok post RT your feminine curves will be restored to you with reconstruction. The permanent prosthesis is ok. You get used to it and once your clothes are on no one apart from yourself is any the wiser. The "in the shower you" does take a little getting used to but hey time and tide as they say. A year on from now and, acknolwedged that it may be a challenging year, this will be over for you. It is **** but you will be ok and life will resume. You may need to chat to the team about fertility. Egg harvesting etc may be an option pre chemo as sometimes the chemo brings on a menopause that you don't get out of. In some cases the normal cycle returns but if you are thinking of a family ask those questions first.

Anyway that is all I can think of. I will be with you in spirit in Thursday - all the very best. Dane.

Hi girls!!

Dane- thank you again for your really helpful reply- I am learning all the way- I will have a tissue expander, but will be very flat for a few weeks after surgery. I will be looking into recon ASAP!!

Dee- yep- doesn't matter what age you are- unfortunately menopause will come on with chemo and with tamoxifen (from what I've read....

Anita- I'm here with you on the fear front. Chemo is the one leg I am TERRIFIED of, but I am finding having the girls here such a support and a comfort. I am going to keep venting/ posting/ asking here..... Friends and family are brilliant, but only here I feel that people GET IT and don't fob you off with "....had that- you'll be grand...." ARGH!!!!!!!!!

Anyway I am scared - fact
Am peed off fact
Am gonna let this get me? No way!!!
Am hopefully gonna get this rubbish cut outta me on thursday? FACT

Anita, I've wanted to hide- I've wanted to run away I hear you, but why should we do this? We've done nothing wrong (a question I've asked over and over again... And probably will once the treatment kicks in....) we will get there - we're not the first or last to do this!!

Dane- I'm in the primary sector and did the med through pats, GO FOR IT!! I'm gonna look into a doctorate when this nightmare is over!!

One quest- if I'm given taxol for chemo is that given weekly???

Taxol usually once every 3 wks

Thanks!! Don't know why I asked that- maybe hoping that I'd get through the process a bit quicker.....:s

Docs mentioned 6 rounds of something but I'm sure they dont know what until they see what they're dealing with....

You usually get 6 cycles of chemo on a 3 weekly basis. That could be it. Back to the poison myself on Wednesday.... Just when
I thought that was all done and dusted.

I'm having taxol and its weekly for 12 weeks but the AC chemo was once every 3 weeks.

I suppose it will be a case of wait and see.....

I had 4 regimens of AC that were given to me every 2 weeks, followed by 12 regimens of Taxol every week. Everyone is different... I thought the normal par for course of Taxol was every 3 weeks, but by janey was I wrong! But I flew through it.

Getting seriously spooked now......

Just over 48 hours to go.......

I know it's coming, but was very down today. One bit if good news- my twin got the all clear on her mammogram, but I was in bits crying wondering why it wasn't me??? Silly I know, and selfish, but as the op draws nearer and nearer, I just get so spooked- what if I'm never able to play guitar again, and the nibble that they're going to find something more sinister just keeps gnawing away at me, and I can't say it again anywhere else coz people will throttle me......

It's just rubbishy isn't it???

Neadii we will all be thinking of you on Thursday and wish you the very best of luck and you've loads of support on here. It could be that periods will stop for duration of chemo and a time after but I have heard or read somewhere that a younger lady got her periods back after a while, so here's hoping.

I was told that there was even a chance that my periods could return - though I am 51 and currently on Tamoxifen (I am ER+)! It's rare but not impossible after the age of 45 but apparently if you are younger there is a very good chance that the treatment induced 'menopause' is more of a chemopause and not permanent.

I certainly hope this is true for you Neadi and I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Hugs

Kathleen

Hi Neadi
just FYI I got my stupid periods back about 6 months after I finished my chemotherapy. Was hoping I wouldn't have to go through all the hot flushes, sweaty nights, red face, cold flashes twice in my life.... but looks like menopause has to happen all over again... wonderful NOT

Hi guys!!

Time is going too quickly!!! I know what is going to happen and will make me better, but why has it got the hallmarks of an execution???

"tis a far far better thing...."

My head is fried!!!

Last day in work tomorrow- decided to work up to the last- gonna be so so difficult!!

Anybody who has had a mx. How did you feel when it was all over? Relieved that the cancer was gone (hopefully??)
Depressed?
Or strangely normal??

What is frying my head us the complete fear of the unknown- well let's face it, it's not everyday you have to get your left tit amputated is it??

Also the dim realization that I have to find something to do with my time has hit!!! There is no way gonna sit on my ass for the next 7 months and do nothing!!!! Any ideas?????

God in a way I'm dreading Thursday and in another way it just can't come quick enough!!!!

Ok, crazy lady signing off to go for a walk and regain som sanity and equilibrium.......

Oh you poor thing. Of course you are going to be anxious and it's all very fine for me to talk but you have to get rid of that DAMN CANCER!!! I love when you call it a tit lol.

Don't be worrying about doing nothing, I am going to our local cancer support group when I'm finished chemo and they have art classes, craft classes, they go swimming, they have counselling and everyone says they are just great. Do voluntary work with the cancer society there is always someone looking for help. No point in stressing over having nothing to do, you need to rest and mind yourself.

It will be an emotional day tomorrow it was for me on my last day before I started chemo.

This time next week please God your head will be less fried.

Thinking of you

Mary xxxx

I'll prob be worrying about what they would have found. We have to go back in on the 23rd for the pathology report- very very scared about that too...I asked if this changes greatly to what they found at biopsy but didn't get a straight answer....

Just scared in general!! ( After lymph node disaster....)

Hey Neadi

They usually have a pretty good idea of what they are expecting to find from biopsies, mri and other tests/scans etc. However the pathology report tends to be more indepth and the exact nature of the tumour(s), size, weight, location, cell grade, stage of the cancer etc.

Please don't be fearful, it is unlikely that they will discover new stuff as your scans, CT/Bone etc have been clear. My surgeon said to me post surgery that it was all as expected - no surprises .....

Fingers and toes crossed it will be all behind you before you know it. Best of luck
Dane

Hiya Dane!

Thanks for reply, and good to know that hopefully there won't be anymore nasty surprises.....everytime I walk into the offices there is one thing after another. I just hope that it's good news.

Do you think there will ever be a day when we wake up without this taking up every thought???

What I would give for some sleep....

In 2022 you'll be looking at your children running around and all this will be a distant memory. Xxxxx

I really hope so mary!!!

For now coming through this on Thursday will be a start....

Hi

Waiting is the very worst part it gives us time to let our imagination run riot. Cancer changes our lives there is no doubt about that but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Reading about everyone here helps so much. Will be thinking of you Thursday it WILL be fine.
Take care
Madge

PS I got periods back 10 months after chemo finished at 42!

Thanks Madge!!

You are so right! Everyone here us great at keeping everybody else on the go!!

Just wish Thursday was over now...

It's impossible for people who have never been through cancer to know what any of us are going through so the group of people here are so invaluable I so appreciate the support. I'm feeling pretty weak today and food is not interesting. I feel like I actually got chemo yesterday, how unfair is that?

It's probably your body not realizing that there has been a change in routine!! Typical!!

Here goes..... Last day of normality.....

Xx